I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize