I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
