He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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