My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
