we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
