Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
