I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
