I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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