Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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