I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
