If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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