everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
