i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
