Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
