i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
