I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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