Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
