literally had 100 drinks last night.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
