When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
last night I used snow as a chaser
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
