my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize