I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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