I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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