apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
