Pappa wants mamma naked
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
