He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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