When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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