Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
