Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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