I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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