Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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