So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
