you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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