I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
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