Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
