I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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