I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
