I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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