I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
