this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
