wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
