dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
