i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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