Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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