____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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