gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
