Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
