Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
