I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Mom said you looked used
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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