Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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