i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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