This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize