I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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