There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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