Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
