OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
