I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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