Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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