so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
